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is impervious to explosions, gunfire and blunt force trauma.

despite the fact that snakes have clear scales over their eyes, has sensitive eyes that would have been affected by shampoo if it wasn’t a no-tears product and.

despite the fact that snakes use their tongues to smell (in stereo!) and many snakes, including many pythons, have heat pits, cannot see someone standing right in front of them unless they move.

can decapitate anti-vaccine-crusading-but-surprisingly-not-naked-in-this-movie Playmates with a flick of its tail.

spits stomach acid on its victims rather than eating them, because, as the director points out, it’s way cooler and gorier than an unidentifiable lump of snake poo a week or two later.

Need something to happen? No problem! Have the snake do this! So, in this case, we have a snake that And the reason the rules are broken is to solve plot problems. Because, again, these movies give themselves an out: it’s precisely because this snake breaks all the rules of snake biology that it poses a threat to our heroes and their shitty little town. My mandate is to go after the biology, but the more I watch this kind of movie, the more I consider it a lost cause. It contains the usual tropes you find in modern examples of snakesploitation: gratuitous nudity, gore, bad CGI, and ludicrous snake biology that is explained away by mad hand-waving (experiments or genetic engineering that make a fairly innocuous and unaggressive animal into the relentless killing machine required by the movie’s, um, “plot”).

BOA VS PYTHON DVD OPENING MOVIE

The more of them I watch, the better a handle I get on the snakesploitation movie genre - the sort that advertises the snake in the movie as “_ feet of pure terror.” Python epitomizes the genre as well as any other I’ve seen (here the terror is 60 feet long on the DVD case, 129 feet in the movie itself).

BOA VS PYTHON DVD OPENING HOW TO

Because the basic problem of the movie is that it takes until the very end for everyone to figure out how to deal with snakes on a train: 1. It’s hardly worth mentioning that snakes don’t eat bread, or that putting a garter snake in your mouth isn’t a very idea (their musk is pretty rank). Not only that, in some scenes, an actual plastic snake toy is included among the garter snakes! Which, of course, being garter snakes and pythons, don’t do very much on-screen. Up until the last 10 minutes or so, when Burmese Pythons and Boa Constrictors make an appearance shortly before the final bad-CGI giant snake swallows the whole train - spoilers, because I don’t actually want you to see the film - the snakes we’re expected to believe are deadly are played by Common Garter Snakes (including some juveniles) and Ball Pythons. No deadly snakes actually make an appearance in this movie. And if that already puts strain on your willingness to suspend disbelief, wait for it.

Here’s the premise: a cursed woman hides aboard a train in an attempt to get to Los Angeles to have the curse lifted the curse makes her literally vomit deadly snakes.

BOA VS PYTHON DVD OPENING FULL

Not only is it tedious and boring, its dialogue painful and its characters disposable, the nudity takes a full hour to make an appearance, which in this genre is inexcusable. It’s quite possibly the worst movie I’ve ever seen (and I’ve seen more than one Ed Wood movie, so that’s saying something). A low-budget direct-to-DVD mockbuster released to cash in on the hype surrounding Snakes on a Plane, this movie actually came out three days before Snakes on a Plane was released.